doubt I’m the first person to write about this, but since I learned of Pope Benedict XVI’s decision to retire at the end of the month I keep thinking of reasons I’d be an awesome selection for Bishop of Rome.
- I would totally rock the Pope hat!
- I’m not Catholic: Seriously, I think this is a huge advantage I have over, say, anyone currently in the College of Cardinals. As the first non-Catholic pope I’d likely be the only pontiff in two-thousand years without the psychological scars earned from being beaten by nuns during the primary grades.
- I’m married: Not only is this another significant advantage over my rivals the cardinals, but it means that – unlike every other Pope in history – I wouldn’t have the hassle of asking for that embarrassing “table for one,” wondering what do Saturday nights, or having to decide “who gets a Valentine and who doesn’t?”
- The Pope thing would do a lot to help my book sales: I checked my Amazon “author ranking” earlier today and – believe me – I could use the boost.
- My son Andrew already lives in Italy: My guess is this would get him some instant street cred. Plus I could see the Vatican Museum after hours. Last time I was there it was like DisneyWorld on a busy holiday weekend.
- I have my new Twitter handle ready to go: @PONTIFicator! ‘Nuff said.
- I’ve read both The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons: Point is I already know most of the cool secret stuff.
- I play the guitar: I imagine you’ve heard of The Singing Nun? You get the picture.
- I’m an American: The Vatican may have invented the global reach of corporate power, but we perfected the concept here in the U.S.. Imagine what the Holy See could do with a couple of aircraft carriers at its disposal?
- _______________? Fill in the blank: I’m sure my readers can come up with some additional qualifications Pope Derek would bring to the office….
“Waiting for the white smoke” (or – more likely – a carefully targeted bolt of lightning!) – DEREK
Ha!Cross-dressing (all those embroidered robes) will go down really well in Florida.
🙂
Given your gift of invention and imagination, I trust you have already determined the appropriate name for yourself, for your pontifical years. Please share the secret. Charles
So far as I understand, the chosen names come from some historical or ideological connection with the era of the namesake.So, thinking about that, maybe I should be Pope Calvin the First? Or possibly – to blend my favorite Apostle with a great Reformer, Pope John Knox the First. The possibilities are many
Sorry, Derek, you are already too late. Maybe you were one of those with an “outside chance”. It never seems to amaze me that Catholics have and read the same Bible we do….even believe in the same savior….yet they skirt over issues such as Salvation (although they believe in it…they do not teach the correct doctrine), Piety (they have never been known to be open) or Humility. Perhaps this new Pope, who I have heard is the most humble of all the Cardinals, will bring some new-found life into this religiosity. We can only hope that they will “get the picture” before Jesus arrives and tells them otherwise. Thanks for your insights. Yes, I think you would make a great Pope.
Michael