But if any of you causes one of these little ones who trusts in me to lose his faith, it would be better for you to have a rock tied to your neck and be thrown into the sea. Matt 18:6
This whole spanking brouhaha has me thinking about why it is that any of us are driven to violence – under any circumstances? Parents; teachers; cops. Discipline? Abuse? Anger? Domination? Retaliation? Love?
BULLY: The first story that comes to mind comes from my work as a student-teacher. One internship placed me with teenagers struggling with a variety of emotional issues.
The school had two Phys-Ed teachers on staff. One was a petite woman who couldn’t have weighed more than 95-pounds; the other was a slightly overweight man with huge muscles and a loud voice.
“Coach Linda” – who relied on creative lesson plans and heads-up classroom management skills – ran a tight ship, and she had very few behavior problems to deal with. “Coach Brad” – who seldom made lesson plans, and relied on intimidation to get his way – called the office for help on a regular basis. Brad was a bully, and I’ll never forget watching him poke a student repeatedly in the chest with his finger, step well inside the 15-year-old’s personal space, then square off with the agitated adolescent, just itching for a fight.
“CARPET-THERAPY”: Story number two comes from my work in a mental health day treatment center. One year, concerned with an escalating pattern of confrontations, we reviewed every “incident report” from the previous few months (Incident reports were required any time a child was physically restrained or placed in seclusion, or when anyone was injured).
Yes, we worked with an extremely challenged and sometimes violent population; but the results were staggering nonetheless. Classes with just 10-12 students were reporting 15 or more “incidents” per day; teachers (and aides), routinely restrained children at the drop of a hat.
Kids were being wrestled to the ground and locked in isolation for cursing, talking back, refusing to cooperate, and a host of other inappropriate reasons. In other words, violence was being utilized for coercion and punishment. Several teachers used the phrase, “This one needs a little carpet therapy,” before putting children face down on the floor with a knee in their back.
CRISIS-PREVENTION: In response, the lead teacher and I were trained as instructors in Non-violent Crisis Intervention. We – in turn – trained the entire staff. The emphasis was on prevention, and we saw an immediate and dramatic reduction in violence – both from staff and students. Over the next two years we trained several other school faculties throughout the district.
The bottom line – and my foundational point in this discussion – is that violence tends to be the knee-jerk response of people who are not equipped with the necessary skills to handle a situation properly.
violence tends to be the knee-jerk response of people who are not equipped with the necessary skills to handle a situation properly.
This is true for anyone required to deal with difficult people. Teachers; police officers; parents; mental health workers, prison guards. Unnecessary violence is typically a by-product of incompetence.
APPROPRIATE: Sometimes, physical interventions are unavoidable. When called for, hands-on techniques can save lives and actually de-escalate a situation. Non-violent crisis prevention training did not completely eliminate take-downs when I was teaching, but it did reduce them by over 90%. Why? Because people who are properly equipped to deal with a crisis have a trunk-load of other, more appropriate, tools at their disposal before they get even vaguely close to putting a client on the floor.
The same is true for parents. I’m not going to say that the mild sting of a hand-slap is always, 100%, without exception inappropriate. But I will say that there are a vast array of creative and effective options available to parents, alternatives that virtually eliminate the likelihood that they would ever resort to corporal punishment.
Like I said before – violence is typically the purview of the incompetent and the unprepared. There is a better way.
Peace – and I mean that in every way – DEREK
The Bible tells us that a rod of correction will instill proper learning and behavior skills in children who do not know how to handle their emotions and growing pains. We no longer correct our own children because some of you are afraid of making the child an enemy. We didn’t have this problem on such a grand scale just 50 years ago.
I think the key here is always being willing to learn and grow and be creative rather than the automatic violence reflex. Many of the emotionally disturbed children I worked with were victims of regular – or sporadic – beatings. I still contend that even “biblically-based” “don’t spare the rod” punishments are mostly unnecessary and damaging. Like I wrote, there is a time and a place where it’s okay – but it’s too easy to become inflationary with violence when there are many – more effective – alternatives.
We spanked our kids, of course, but I am grateful for the vast array of other options we learned to employ. I am also grateful for a parenting course that forced us to think through how we would train our children biblically and ethically. Among other things, we learned that the “rod of correction” did not have to be used very often. It was the last resort. But without it, I am certain we would have had a lot less peace and probably more child-on-child violence in our home.
Pastor Jesse I commend you and your wisdom. By your photo you and I are age related, a compliment to God’s grace.
Good thoughts Derek. Thank you. I like your thinking about other tools. In essence the “rod” is not necessarily and hopefully seldom physical. Specially when you see a child responding to situations with violence it is time to rethink the approach. And if they learn that the bigger and stronger (parent) gets their way… Well one day they may be bigger and stronger than you! 😉
I think the key here is always being willing to learn and grow and be creative rather than the automatic violence reflex. Many of the emotionally disturbed children I worked with were victims of regular – or sporadic – beatings. I still contend that even “biblically-based” “don’t spare the rod” punishments are mostly unnecessary and damaging. Like I wrote, there is a time and a place where it’s okay – but it’s too easy to become inflationary with violence when there are many – more effective – alternatives.
Unfortunately, I had two incidents last year in my room where male teachers incited students who had violent tendencies themselves. It was scary and ugly and completely unnecessary. On the other hand, I have parents who make constant excuses for their children who have disrespect and entitlement issues. Wonder why? Sometimes I feel like I work with the perfect audience for a Jerry Springer show. So many of my students think the only answer is to fight. These situations are deeply complex, without easy answers, and the people who need to hear this the most are often not the ones reading this, although we all need the encouragement.
Well said, Derek. We are in the center of the storm up here in Minnesota, and some responses are truly stunning, e.g., “You have to ‘whup’ a child to teach them some respect!” (fear, yes; respect, no). To the media’s credit, particularly sports writers and sports radio personalities whose livelihoods depend on the Vikings, the vast majority are outraged at AP’s behavior, attitude, and apparent lack of remorse, and the Vikings’ organization response to all of it. As a former junior high special ed teacher who worked with kids with some pretty significant emotional and behavioral issues, I also experienced first hand what you (Derek) describe. Many of my kids seemed to draw perverse comfort in engaging in physical altercations, seeking control in inappropriate, but predictable ways. I had one student who was often physically dragged by his mother into the school. Needless to say, she was a huge part of his problem, and unfortunately we were not able to reach her (retrain) in the two years her son was with us. But in many other cases, once adults were taught better skills at managing their own responses, most often the kids lost their audience and improved their behavior dramatically. Rarely did we need to put our hands on a child after we earned their trust. And finally, as a parent of three tweens/teens, my kids are far from perfect, but are generally well-behaved, decent human beings. I can count the number of times I have given the kids a swat on one hand (combined), but can also say without hesitation that this parenting gig is the toughest “job” I’ve ever had, requiring massive amounts of patience, creativity, grace, and a village (neighbors, friends, church, etc.) to keep us heading in the right direction.
Excellent comment, Margie. And you’re dead right that the parenting gig is the toughest. My (small-group) friend Steve’s advice was always consistent and on point… “Stay the course….” It’s pretty-much all he ever said.
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