Warning: this is a rant. But don’t worry, it’s not a political rant. It’s not even a faith-based rant. It’s a rant against the complete annoyance of electronic devices that feel compelled to beep for one reason or another. Neither of which is a good reason.

Take this morning, when I spent a good hour and a half at my parents’ house standing next to their thermostat waiting for it to make the noise that kept them awake most of the night. I heard it, three times, right where they said it would be. But would it beep when the technician showed up? No of course not. So we changed out all the batteries in the smoke detectors – again – and we read the manuals on everything in their house. Now we’re waiting for the bug-control people who installed the de-humidifier under the house to get back with us in case it’s some kind of alarm down there since it’s been so wet recently.

When we first moved into this house it was a beep in our kitchen. Very quiet but just loud enough to be a nuisance. Once every three minutes. We walked all around the kitchen listening to get a location but it eluded us. Three weeks later – a long three weeks – we realized the dishwasher wanted us to know when the door was not latched. But why? It won’t run if it’s not latched! Isn’t that enough!

Since then we have had the kitchen remodeled. Now there are upwards of five appliances who have something to say. Every. Single. Appliance. Timers, warnings, heat detection, open doors, closed doors, power outage, reset the clock. The oven – bless its heart – feels the need to run an extraction fan after I turn it off so the heat will dissipate more quickly. But maybe I don’t want the heat to go away. I may want to warm a pie in there. If I need it to cool down faster I can open the door! But no, the oven wants to make its own decisions now. And if I disagree I get summarily beeped.

So how about a moratorium on beeping? We could start a “no more beeping” division in international standards. Maybe offer a no-beeping brand?

Somewhere someone, probably an electronic engineer inventor dude from a decade ago, is laughing his or her butt off.

Wait a moment, gotta go, I forget I was preheating the oven for lunch – good job it beeped me….

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