Today I’m continuing to expand my thinking on the concept of “Life-charged community.” I’ve been exploring the idea that many men work hard to arrange their lives in such a way that their relationships never go far below the surface (we’re talking at church, at work, at home, with friends, and with their God). They work hard to avoid going anywhere near the deeper places where emotion and vulnerability and fear and intimacy remain carefully hidden away.
We could blame the culture we were raised in, I guess. But my peers and I are the baby-boom generation. We’re not kids any more! Now we are the people who are in a position to effect change.
So why would we continue to bow to the demands of the status quo? Unless, that is, we’ve discovered that we’re comfortable with “the way things are”?
- Or maybe we’ve bought into the lie – often perpetuated by men’s ministry advocates – that “Real men don’t do vulnerable”… and that God would advocate for a reversion to male chauvinism in the church…!
- Or maybe we’ve become fearful of change?
- Or maybe all that ‘rage against the machine’ was nothing more than hot air?
- Or maybe we own the machine now and we have too much invested in dysfunction to risk personal growth…?
- Or maybe we’re scared of losing the tentative grip on control we’ve been clinging to all these years?
In working on my new book this morning I identified some elements that must be in place if we’re to build life-charged community. Here are a few:
- Trust
- Confidentiality
- Honesty
- A willingness to listen
- The absence of judgment
- Love
- Commitment
- Accessibility
- Faithfulness…
I also addressed the LAME excuse many guys give that “I’m not a natural when it comes to ‘that kind of thing’….
Well, it turns out it doesn’t matter if we are “naturals” at friendship or if we’re actually better suited to retreating into our shell. Either way, the fact remains that all men – Christian or not – need the kinds of connections I’ve been writing about. Just because something requires more effort from some guys than others doesn’t negate the value of the principle in question!
The guy who says, “I’m not any good at making friends” is no more – or less – in need of life-charged community than the guy who has – naturally – a dozen friends or more without even trying. We were created for relationship with God and we were created for relationship with other people; building community is absolutely necessary for any man who wants to engage his full potential.
This is not a conversation about personal strength, or the ability to “tough it out”, or “man up”, or “suck it in”…. The man who distances himself from deep, open-hearted, loving relationships with other men is necessarily compromised in terms of “The Life-charged Life.”
OK, so I get a little pointed there. So be it. If we’re going to move beyond the dysfunction that has beset our society in so many ways, a little proactive community-building really isn’t that much to ask, is it?
– DEREK
Great debate, and I totally agree. But I would, because I’m a woman 🙂 Must run it by my other half…
That’s what I’m talking about!!!!! Great post!!
I think that when we are younger (and know everything) its easy to fall into the role of activist:
Burn, baby, burn, Make love, not war, Hey Hey LBJ, how many kids did you kill today, Ho-Ho-Ho Chi Minh, the NLF is gonna win, All we are saying…
All these slogans, born and bred in the campus of American youth in the 1960-70’s…it was so simple then…to change the world all you had to do was show up.
Fast forward a few short decades. Its not so black and white anymore. Reality smacks cold and hard In the Land of Shambala
Ya know, Derek, this is what I get for writing at 0230am:
My reply has not much to do with your blog. I looked for the “take it back button”…sorry.
Maybe it was your bullet points on status quo. Yeah, that’s it.
Peace – T
I actually liked your comments!
Kinda made me think we should play “Revolution” for a prelude one of these Sundays… 🙂
I like what you’re saying here, and, of course, there’s so much left to say. Let’s read, for men, Don’t Leave the Seat Up, and for women, He Can’t Read Your Mind.
I liked the photo of the Santa Fe in this blog…looks like mine, only there aren’t enough dents in it.
Music at the gas station has never bothered me…if it’s music I like, I dance to it. If not, I can “la, la, la” in my head as loud as anyone else.
That said, I do agree that we have lots of noise in our lives and have to work hard to find quiet spaces. I enjoy driving without the radio on sometimes so I can pray or hear myself think. And I enjoy sitting on my front porch (stoop) in the early morning, listening to the sounds of nature and enjoying the beauty of the sky.
What annoys me is my next-door neighbor’s ever-present lawnmower. He obsesses about mowing his yard (we are just the opposite, wouldn’t you know it)…I believe he mowed it twice in the past week. And the leaf blower at the other neighbor’s house. And the annoying dog named Julie (same name as my daughter) who barks incessantly anytime anyone moves in our yard, even in the garden. I usually just look at her and say, “Shut up, Julie” and then take a football stance, which really sets her off. 😀 So I have to work pretty hard at that “Love thy neighbor” commandment. Of course nothing I do would ever annoy them! 😀
BTW – glad you noticed the Santa Fe. It’s Rebekah’s and it’s her favorite vehicle ever.
Uh, another blog (Friday’s blog on quiet spaces) was showing, I thought, when I made the above comments.
I’m a little technologically challenged, I guess.
That’s funny! But I did enjoy your remarks. And I’m glad you never annoy your neighbor… ever!
I think you probably enjoy saying “shut up Julie” too much for your daughter’s comfort 🙂